i miss J. the idea? what i thought it was, or maybe even just him. no, i think it's just that i can't believe there is someone (multiple people, now) who i was once so close with, but because of things that happened, we just aren't and probably can't talk again.

tonight i was at a wedding for a labmate. i think they have a good chance.
it was also the first time i was at a mass in a long time. i was surprised - it reminded me of my childhood. and even more surprising - i missed it.

it was an irish church and jesus had red hair and pale skin.

i thought a lot about weddings, marriage, and how my life would change once my brothers were married. i also thought about death, how the deaths of those close to me would change my life in unthinkable ways, yet these were things that would happen one day no matter what.

i was a at a spa for a few days with my mom recently and it was great.

i've been talking to a few people casually, but there are two people from school who make me think i'm settling.

there's something about first loves that is so sweet but so tragic too. the wedding tonight was between first loves, and i really hope they make it. i don't know if i still think marriage is unreasonable for most people. D and i were talking tonight, and we think we've reached a point in our cynicism where we are becoming cynical about cynicism and are returning to what we once and first thought was true. i think it's just realizing that it's a-time to live instead of scoff at everything.